Do You Hate Me?

First, an explanation:

Sometimes words just come to me. One simple thought can be the key that unlocks the flow, an opening of a door to something greater than just me. It’s not planned. There’s no pattern. I can’t control it. It just happens and can happen at any moment.

It often starts from my own self ponderings, one small thought that becomes much more. It’s as if the self ponderings slip me into another realm and I connect to a greater whole; that web of emotional energy floating around the universe.

At that point, it isn’t just about me. It’s a connection to others who have similar struggles. The feelings become mish-mashed between mine and other. Poetry puts words to feelings; feelings that are often hard to express or talk about. We can’t escape from our feelings. They hide at the bottom of our wells growing like mold if we don’t shed light on them.

These words flowing through me and up out of me help release the emotional ups and downs of life. Seeing the words written helps me better understand the humanness of life and brings light to my darkest sorrows. I find forgiveness for myself and others. As I dare to speak my truths, and acknowledge and heal my darkness, I hope my light can shine in the world to help others. 

Below is such a poem, and as many of my poems, on the outside it seems sad, but for me, it’s a wonderful release. It’s shining light on my darkest fears, and that, my friends, is a big step in healing and a reason to feel joy.

Do you hate me?

Do you hate me?

My mind knows the answer

as the question

slips into my being

as I sit here 

alone

feeling unwanted

Do you hate me?

as I blame myself

for staying away

for isolating 

for avoiding those

who might love me

Do you hate me?

as I steel myself

from love

keeping it at a distance

because it hurts too much

up close

Do you hate me?

As I struggle

to not hate myself

for being different,

as I fight off

feelings of guilt

for not being

who I think others

want of me

Do you hate me? 

Because my choices

take courage

to choose my own path

to avoid the norm

of what might 

be expected of me

Do you hate me?

My mind knows the answer

as the question

slips into my being

as I sit here 

alone

feeling unwanted

yet alive

in my creativity.