The Depths of Despair

The miserableness

hovering at the edges of my psyche,

waits to break through

sending me cascading

into an abyss of mental anguish

 

I turn into a puddle

of anguish and sobbing despair

Any good thoughts of hope

are shattered like a broken mirror,

the shards scattered across the floor

 

I pull myself together

for a short time,

then something else

sends me crashing

into a blubbery, messy pool

 

I’m caught

in the downward spiral

with no way out

my mind screaming with futility

I just can’t deal anymore!

 

Things going wrong,

dealing with new technology,

the lack of good customer service

being told to “Deal with it,”

feeling taken advantage of

 

I try to focus

on how my kitties need me,

and would they, could they

find another loving home

should I succumb to my despair.

 

I’m at my wits’ end,

not sure how much

I have left in me

to enable me to go on

When do I pull the plug?

Reflecting on Political History

Reading history

has taught me to see

little change in mankind

but for technology

Politics in any era

country or people

repeat similar promises

of protecting their sheeple

 

But they make secret deals

the public won’t see

and pad their own coffers

lacking responsibility

 

The public is told

what they want to hear

while politicians

bend to personal ears

 

Truth convoluted

media to hound

promote voices in votes

with promises not sound

 

The rich become richer

as power corrupts

the bullying precedent

overtakes much

 

And after elections

do mass voices count

are the pretty promises

replaced by doubt?

 

Because in the end

when following through

on what was promised

to what comes true

 

Deceived by words

questions arise

who ends up paying

for all this demise?

 

--Sasha Wolfe

The Yearning to go Home

My heart yearns to go home

but there’s no home left there

family is gone, moved

landscape changed

 

My gut tightens

with the yearning

to walk the old trails

to be out in nature

 

To remember

those times of feeling safe

to let the woods give comfort

to my sorrowed heart

 

But it is no more

no home, no old trails

paths changed

the property unrecognizable

 

Aloneness eats at my soul

I feel I have no roots

no connections

no sense of belonging

 

I’m left floundering

like the end of a rope

flopping in the wind

with nothing to tie it to

 

There’s no old home

to return to.

 

--Sasha Wolfe

On Writing Poems

Last night while getting ready for bed, I was recalling how I came to write “They’ll Never Write Songs About Me.”

The title had come from an incident from when I was 17 and pregnant for the first time. Bill and I had gone to a concert at Canobie Lake with our friends, the Stanleys. We managed to get right up to the edge of the stage. At one point, the lead singer dedicated a song to my friend Carole. I was happy for her, but I remember thinking, no one would ever dedicate a song to me.

 Then in 1994, after going through the Healing Tao three-week intensive training, I was one of only 10 to get certified to teach out of 50 people from all over the world. It was one of the biggest accomplishments in my life.

Upon returning home, I’d sunk into a depression that lasted three months. Then, at a retreat, “They’ll Never Write Songs About Me” just poured out of me. And when I read it aloud to the group, almost everyone present had tears, even the guys. (To this day, my eyes well up whenever I recite that poem.)

That experience woke something within me. I’d written a few poems over the years, but this ignited a new kind of fire in poetry writing as sometimes, the words just pour out of me … faster than I can write them down. It was, and is, kind of magical. This mostly happened when I was out walking in nature or during times of emotional stress. Now, poems come a little more slowly – maybe because I don’t get out in nature much anymore.

Since then, I’ve had a couple chap books of poetry printed and a book of poems accompanied by photos I’d taken. I have another book of poems ready to publish. (Sadly, I’ll probably never get around to taking that step.) Plus, there are hundreds of other poems.

 

Firestorm II

Mental firestorm

and I’m inundated with words,
thoughts and feelings
Like some unknown entity
turns on a faucet
and words pour out
 
And before I get half written
another topic comes gushing
then another
An uncontrollable, untamable

mental firestorm
ripping through my brain
 
It’s like being in a rodeo
getting thrown
from one bucking bronco
and grabbing another
only to get tossed
from that one, too
 
It’s exciting
but hard to focus
as my mind jumps
from one topic to another
before I finish thoughts
about the previous
 
Words stampede
through my brain
like herd of wild horses
being chased across a prairie
by a pack of word wolves
 
It’s like trying to grasp hold
of the brass ring
on a carousel ride
but the momentum
carries me past too quickly
 
I may catch a tiny piece
before I’m whipped away
by another thought or idea
but I can’t finish
one line of thought
before I’m jumping
to the next horse
 
(I often compare myself
to a fat bumblebee
flitting from one blossom to the next,
but in these instances
there is no simple goal
as with bees
 
In these cases
it is those stampeding horses
and I’m trying desperately
to hang on
milk the ride for every word
define every feeling
before I’m tossed to the ground
to grab the next horse
running by
before it all dries up.

Slowly, Quietly

Slowly, quietly

I want to walk the trails I once walked,

stopping to look and listen;

just being in those places

where I once felt happy and safe.

 

I want to feel the air I once felt.

I want to smell the pines and other trees of the forest.

I want to feel the soft pine needles

and old leaves crunch quietly under my feet.

 

I want to hear the babbling brook,

getting my feet wet in the crossing,

climb the pine needled covered hill

moving deeper into the forest.

 

Slowly, quietly,

I want to remember

what my childhood felt like

in those happiest of places…

in the woods, in the quiet

in the peacefulness of nature.

 

I want to come out of the dark wood

into that little grassy area

where violets and bluets grew

in a small patch of sunlight

 

Slowly, quietly

I want to step back

into the cool gloom again

following the trail

to an open field

 

Then deciding

whether to go farther

wading through the tall grasses

or turn around and head back home.

 

Funny how the return journey,

even along the same paths,

always felt different,

yet, either way,

I felt hugged by the forest.

 

Slowly, quietly,

I want to let

these old feelings resurface,

bring me back

to less complicated times.

 

I want to return

to those happy places,

hoping my memory

hasn’t deceived me.

 

Tightrope

I gingerly slide my feet

along a deteriorating tightrope

holding in anxious thoughts

One slight slip

of thought or balance

might send me

Tumbling into the abyss 

of emotional chaos

and uncontrollable tears and sobs

I try to hold onto

pleasant thoughts and wishful goals

just beyond my fingertips

I’ve forgotten

what it feels like

to be happy

These days

I’m not even sure what

will make me happy

And I know

I’m the only one

who can figure that out.

--Sasha Wolfe