Saturday, December 23, 2017

Do You Hate Me?

First, an explanation:
Sometimes words just come to me. One simple thought can be the key that unlocks the flow, an opening of a door to something greater than just me. It’s not planned. There’s no pattern. I can’t control it. It just happens and can happen at any moment.

It often starts from my own self ponderings, one small thought that becomes much more. It’s as if the self ponderings slip me into another realm and I connect to a greater whole; that web of emotional energy floating around the universe.

At that point, it isn’t just about me. It’s a connection to others who have similar struggles. The feelings become mish-mashed between mine and other. Poetry puts words to feelings; feelings that are often hard to express or talk about. We can’t escape from our feelings. They hide at the bottom of our wells growing like mold if we don’t shed light on them.

These words flowing through me and up out of me help release the emotional ups and downs of life. Seeing the words written helps me better understand the humanness of life and brings light to my darkest sorrows. I find forgiveness for myself and others. As I dare to speak my truths, and acknowledge and heal my darkness, I hope my light can shine in the world to help others. 

Below is such a poem, and as many of my poems, on the outside it seems sad, but for me, it’s a wonderful release. It’s shining light on my darkest fears, and that, my friends, is a big step in healing and a reason to feel joy.

Do you hate me?

Do you hate me?
My mind knows the answer
as the question
slips into my being
as I sit here 
feeling unwanted

Do you hate me?
as I blame myself
for staying away
for isolating 
for avoiding those
who might love me

Do you hate me?
as I steel myself
from love
keeping it at a distance
because it hurts too much
up close

Do you hate me?
As I struggle
to not hate myself
for being different,
as I fight off
feelings of guilt
for not being
who I think others
want of me

Do you hate me? 
Because my choices
take courage
to choose my own path
to avoid the norm
of what might 
be expected of me

Do you hate me?
My mind knows the answer
as the question
slips into my being
as I sit here 
feeling unwanted
yet alive
in my creativity.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

A Poem for Mourning

Your heart breaks
a thousand times
your soul rips to shreds;
the pain so bad
you feel you can’t
take any more

How can you
go on?
How can you face
another tomorrow?
You want to die, too …
but you don’t

You get up in the morning
put one foot
in front of the other
get through another day …
another night …
another day …

You go from intense pain
to feeling numb
sometimes the loss
is too overpowering
sometimes it hurts so bad
it feels the sorrow
will eat you alive

You feel alone
you feel no one understands
no one can know your loss.
sometimes it feels like
you’ll never get over it
that a part of you
has died, too.

You know others love you 
but they have
their own lives
they go home
to their togetherness
and you feel alone

But you go on …
slowly … day after day
and one day you pick
up the brush
paint a sky 
with your tears

Flowers and leaves
blossom from the shattered
pieces of your heart
and fall like raindrops
onto the canvas
the landscape dotted
with budding ashes

You stand back
look at your work
see the beauty 
beyond the tears
the life in the pain
comfort in sorrow

To know true love
is to feel the deep pain 
of intense loss
To know true love
is to find the courage 
to live

Healing will come
For now, allow the sorrow 
Remember others care
others are just a call 
or a prayer away
you are never truly alone.

The Strangest Gift

On a pre-dawn Christmas morn
Mum left this world
Mum, who loved Christmas, 
had one last gift
to give

With her passing 
she gave me 
the strangest 
and greatest gift – 

With her passing
she received 
her greatest gift –
she, too, got

With each passing year
she keeps giving
as I continue to receive gifts
in understanding 
our life and relationship

Merry Christmas, Mum
I love you and miss you
so much 
We will always be part
of each other.

Thank you.