What Hope is There Left

What Hope is There Left

Hope is a fleeting want

that desire for something more

a dream that seldom

comes to fruition

 

Hope wears the wings

of a spectral being

a mystical, dragonfly-like creature

flitting around dying flowers

 

But hope’s light

seems to diminish each day

the dimming sucking the joy

out of life

 

Hope’s bright white

fades slowly to a dull misty gray

taking on a musty decaying smell

until its light finally

blinks out

 

Hope’s song,

at first vibrant and

full of joyful expectation,

dies a slow painful death

its death-wail

tearing your heart

from which you feel

you’ll never recover

 

When hope is gone,

what is there left?

 

But there’s always hope…

isn’t there?

Shouldn’t there be?

 

I don’t know any more.

At the moment,

I have little hope

for anything.

 

--Sasha Wolfe

Grief Compounded

My heart
shattered, broken
shrouded in grief
so overwhelming
the shards continue
to cut deeply
 
My mind
gagged by strangling sadness
any joy within
has been pounded
into a murky congealing swill
 
My entire being
consumed by grief
of one thing after another
going wrong this year
I’m not sure
I can ever recover
 
Is it possible
that being broken
and put back together
so many times
throughout my life
that not it’s possible
these pieces may never
be glued back together?
 
I’ve forgotten
what happy feels like
and wonder
if I can ever feel
happy again
 
And, if I do get better
will I ever feel
totally wholehearted
Time will tell
I have little hope these days.
 
--Sasha Wolfe

No Warm Presence

There’s no warm presence

to comfort me
No fluff
rubbing against my legs
 
There’s no thump
as she jumps up
on the table beside
for kitty pats and brushies
 
There’s no warm presence
permeating the house
No warm solace
for my soul
 
There’s no comfort
in knowing
she’s just in the other room
sleeping on the bed
 
There’s no warm presence
to sit on my lap
while I’m watching TV
or watching herself
if there’s some
critter on the screen
 
There are no “Raow” greetings
in the middle of the night
when she looks for me
and jumps up on the bed
 
There are no
soft white paws
reaching up to me
while I get her breakfast
 
There are no
headbutts against my hand
while I’m writing
as she vies for attention
 
I miss brushing
that beautiful
white and calico
long, soft fur
 
I miss the purrs
the love, the companionship
I miss running my fingers
through that beautiful soft fur
 
There’s no warm presence
to comfort me
I’m alone and lonely
and missing the warmth
the purrs, the love
 
There’s no warm presence
to comfort me.
 

--Sasha Wolfe 

Surviving Grief

After days of grieving

I keep thinking
I should feel empty
Instead, my gut roils and rumbles
 
I keep thinking
I should feel more heartbroken
but, at the moment,
my heart feels nothing
 
its shattered pieces
have fallen in jumbled piles
throughout my gut
leaving a huge, gaping hole
where my heart should be
 
Sharp, crushing edges
pierce my soul
in a clenched fist
of despairing darkness
 
My emotions
painfully knotted up
I bleed out in tears
broken, abandoned, alone
 
Like a washed up
piece of seaweed
left drying up on an open beach
by the outgoing tide…
there’s no comforting warmth in this sun
 
I need a new kitty ASAP
not to replace Pele
but to be her own little love
and to help me live wholeheartedly again.
 
--Sasha Wolfe 

Grieving for my Dying Kitty

Grief
runs down my face,
breaks my heart in a thousand pieces,
makes my eyes and face swell and
my nose so sore from wiping it
I can hardly touch it
 
Grief
causes a horrific, pounding headache,
and stomach so in knots
I feel like throwing up
Emotions well up
threatening to strangle me
 
Grief
So sharp I can’t function
I just want to lie down
but there’s no sleep to calm
a sorrow so deep
I don’t know how I can go on
 
Grief
She hasn’t eaten in days
water bowls still full
The box delivered from Chewy.com
sits unopened on the floor
her food and water dishes untouched
opening the cabinet with her food and treats
seeing her toys in a bowl
start the tears flowing again
and vocal sobs
leap from my parched throat
 
Grief
Her purrs so diminished now
I have to put my ear down to hear
but she doesn’t want me close
she’s not interested in cuddles or pats
It’s like she’s already
moving away from me
 
And seeing neighbor Leo-kitty
makes my soul hurt even more
for my own kitty-love
to be healthy and happy
 
Grief
I can’t take it.
A part of me is dying with her
and the sobs consume me
I don’t want to let her go
but if it’s her time…
 
Grief
And the guilt
Am I doing enough?
Is it right to force her?
 
She hides under the bed
her sad dark eyes
looking out at me
 
I painfully lie down on the floor
knees screaming
reach under for a pat
she hardly purrs
and my heart shatters even more
as part of me is dying, too.
 
Grief
Another night
one more chance
but not any better,
she goes to her eternal rest
 
I’m relieved for her
but my heart still aches
I can no longer call out,
“Kitty, I’m home!”
and have her come running,
“Meow, meow, meow.”
 
Grief
I am shattered
but at least
she’s now at peace
and no longer suffering.
 
--Sasha Wolfe