Monday, September 18, 2017

Battle Scarred with Love

I look back with yearning
for things I never said
I look back with sadness
on things she never bled

Silent battle lines 
between mother and daughter
parental dictates
harsh criticisms
strewn from deep love
and a need to protect
shadowed in a lie
too deep to reveal

An unspeakable war
so emotionally difficult 
because the love
was so great
that survival depended on
building strong walls

But something deep inside 
Something deep inside 

Wisdom flowed 
from pain
blossomed into
And after too many years
and it being too late for us
today I stand 
empty with the knowledge
of knowing who
I am
And knowing
she’d be proud.

I love you, mum!
I miss you so much!

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Explosive Holidays

I jump out of my skin
the house shakes
vibrations reverberate
through the air
An echoing boom
resounds across the street

Fear washes over me 
my heart 
jumps to my throat
pounds a rapid staccato
in my head

Pele’s eyes huge
ears laid flat
she stares 
at the front door

Another blast
another reverberating echo
My heart slams 
an unnatural beat 
in my chest
This isn’t normal
fireworks, and it’s closer 
than it’s been in the past 

I tell myself
Calm down
it’s just neighbors
having fun

My heart pounds again
threatens to explode
from my chest
I pull the blanket higher
as if I can hide

I get myself
under control
have a few minutes reprieve
before another deep boom
I rationalize
holiday, celebration
I tell myself 
others enjoy this
I wonder how those
suffering PTSD

Each subsequent blast
rattles my self-control
Breathe deep, calm down,
it won’t last long
I keep repeating
holding back tears
hoping my heart
won’t shatter 
with the next blast.